2259321835_822ab0c920Here is some of  what the OED has to say about spontaneous:

Performed or occurring without external cause or stimulus; coming naturally or freely, unpremeditated; voluntarily, done of one’s own accord; unconstrained, uninhibited, natural.

I’ve been moving into a new way of being, a new way of conducting myself. And I have found it INCREDIBLY difficult to leave the old habits behind. Here it is: I am NOT a planner. It stresses me out to make plans a week from now or two weeks from now. I don’t want a “phone date” on a Thursday evening. I want to talk on the phone when I feel moved to do so. I realize there are times when planning is necessary, but largely, I don’t like to make plans. I find when I am living from a place of planning I begin to run from one thing to the next, regardless of whether I actually want to be doing that thing in that moment. It begins to feel the opposite of unconstrained, uninhibited, natural.

 What feels MUCH better to me, is to not plan and let things arise naturally. If I am feeling spacious on a given afternoon and I wish to see a friend, then I’ll call and if it works out that we can get together, great. But if I am feeling more like I want to meditate or read or simply sit on the back porch and watch the robins hopping around in the grass on their search for worms, then I want the freedom to choose to do that.

I find that in the moment I’ll know what I really want to do, and not until then. The eternal moment before us contains a vast amount of wisdom. It is from whence we arise. It feels so much more spacious to be able to choose freely how to spend my time from that space. What is difficult about it for me is being that honest with people. In the past I’ve tended not to return phone calls as opposed to calling someone back and saying,” no, sorry, largely I don’t make plans anymore.” It feels like a hard thing to say to people .

But I am going to say it. Practice makes perfect. (or practice makes it easier, anyway)

I’m more interested in staying in alignment with what makes me feel free, spacious, inspired. And if I am there, I’ll actually have far more to give…

It is what has to happen for me to be authentic.